Looking for something creepy to get the Twilight lover in your life? Look no further than these new Eclipse action figures!
Several characters are available for your Twilight delight. Sashay the night away with Edward and his posable, masculine pointed toe. (Tutu and glitter edition sold separately). You can get Bella, with a perfectly sculpted scowl, slouch and receding hairline. New to the collection this series is the Rosalie figure. This particular model was consulted on by one of Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeons. Notice the similar jaw line and disproportionate nose.
But what you’ll really want to do is order the perfection that is the Jacob Black doll in bulk. Sure his face looks like Mr. Magoo, but you can’t pass on abs like that.
We’ll take 2 crates please.
I’m taking a quick second from slurping up my pre-dinner snack of ice cream soup and a cup of vodka with a splash of tap water to bring you the news that Chelsea Clinton, the curly haired girl we watched grow up and master the art of the blow out, married Marc Mezvinsky in Rhinebeck, NY today.
Chelsea and Marc said all that I do shit in front of 400 people including Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen and Madeline Albright. Bill and Hillary Clinton put down their plastic champagne flutes, crawled on top of the bridal party table and yelled this at everyone:
“Today, we watched with great pride and overwhelming emotion as Chelsea and Marc wed in a beautiful ceremony at Astor Courts, surrounded by family and their close friends. We could not have asked for a more perfect day to celebrate the beginning of their life together, and we are so happy to welcome Marc into our family. On behalf of the newlyweds, we want to give special thanks to the people of Rhinebeck for welcoming us and to everyone for their well-wishes on this special day.”
How can they say all those words and NOT mention how many bridesmaids Bill humped on in the fancy ass Port-A-Potties. Seriously, those Port-A-Potties were meant to do ho shit in. Oh well, the night is still young.
Congrats to Chelsea and Marc! If I was in the area, I’d dress up like Helen Thomas and crash that party, because you know they have some good shit. Not like the generic brand rubbing alcohol I’m sipping on right now.
Here’s a few pictures of the locals celebrating Chelsea’s blessed day by dressing up as furries and sitting on lawn chairs while holding homemade signs.
In just a few short days Antoine Dodson has earned a special place in the Styrofoam carton of rotten ground beef some doctors refer to as my heart. Antoine’s place in my heart is right next to Ariel Wade (Whatever happen to Ariel Wade?!). Antoine has returned to share more words of wisdom with his fans.
In what I hope becomes an hourly segment, WAFF caught up with Antoine yesterday to talk about how he has become the crack that is causing YouTube’s servers to work overtime. Antoine, who was wearing an outfit sweeter than a Kiwi Banana Starburst dipped in hummingbird juice, shrugged off his new fame and said his main focus is to beat the foolery out of his sister’s attacker. Antoine plans to do that while calling the police at the same time. Now where we know where the real inspiration for True Blood’s Lafayette came from.
BONUS! Antonie has also received the Auto-Tune treatment. Antoine and his fellow Alabamian, the Struttin’ That Ass Dude, need to join forces and take their act on the road! Together they will drop tanginess on all our senses.
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
Uh, oh!
After a weak debut with his first single “Something ‘Bout Love” last week, David Archuleta‘s upcoming album The Other Side Down has been pushed back from a September release to October.
His website reads:
“We’d like you all to be the first to know that the release date for The Other Side of Down has changed. It will now be coming on October 5th. Like the last time we dealt with a date change, this one is definitely for the best. David would like to make sure he’s delivering the best possible album and he needs just a little more time to do it.”
Never a good sign!
[Image via WENN.]
It’s like a scene from a movie!
Democratic New York Representative Anthony Weiner got very fired up when discussing medical care for the responders of 9/11.
Talk about passion!
Check it out above!
Lying down on a tanning bad that somebody else put their crotch on is “skeevy and gross“, but The Real (Foreclosed) Housewives of New Jersey’s Teresa Giudice obviously got over that for a quick check! Teresa, who is thisclose to being Miss September in the Beauties of the IRS’ Most Wanted List calendar, showed off her orange Fruit Roll-up complexion in this commercial for Sizzle Tans.
Sizzle Tans originally wanted Teresa’s husband Juicy Delicious to star in the commercial, but he couldn’t get on the tanning bed without using a step ladder so they thought that might kill the mood. Speaking of Juicy Delicious, why isn’t he out getting new jobs since he’s the one who get them into this bankruptcy mess? It’s Disney World’s busiest season right now, so I’m sure they are looking for a little nugget who can fit into the King Louie costume. Get on that, Juicy Delicious!
via Popeater
Casey Affleck got a sexual harassment lawsuit thrown at him last week by Amanda White, a producer on the Joaquin Phoenix documentary he directed. In Amanda’s lawsuit, she said that she left the project without getting paid after Casey wouldn’t stop trying to snatch her snatch. Well, another woman who worked on the project has also filed a lawsuit against Casey for not keeping his hands to himself. Cinematographer Magdalena Gorka says that Casey tried to bone her one night and then he turned into a total dick when she refused to pick up what he was throwing down (SPOILER ALERT: Peen. Casey was throwing down peen).
The Hollywood Reporter says that Magdalena’s lawsuit states that most of the crew stayed at Joaquin Phoenix’s house during production to save money on hotel costs. Joaquin offered Magdalena his bed and he slept on the couch. One night Casey crawled into Magdalena’s bed hoping for a little sexy times.
“During the middle of the night, [Gorka] awoke to find Affleck lying in the bed next to her. Unbeknownst to [Gorka], Affleck had entered the bedroom while she was asleep and crawled into the bed. When she woke up, Affleck was curled up next to her in the bed wearing only his underwear and a t-shirt. He had his arm around her, was caressing her back, his face was within inches of hers and his breath reeked of alcohol.”
Magdalena alleges that afterwards Casey wouldn’t stop verbally attacking her for not giving it up to him. She couldn’t take it anymore so she also left production like Amanda White did. Magdalena never got paid and Casey even took away her credit on the film. Magdalena is suing for $2.25 million.
Maybe Casey crawled into bed that night thinking his hand was going to find Joaquin’s succulent dingle-ridden hairy asshole. But when he grabbed lady butt instead, he got embarrassed and took it out on Magdalena. Yeah, probably not.
If this is true, then somebody needs to show Casey THIS:
Casey, stop shrinking ladies!
The obsessed Twihards who write RPattz daily love letters on their freshly worn panties should never stop, because there’s a chance that one day in the far future when he’s going through all his fan mail from the glory days he’ll look down at the period dot on your chonies and instantly fall in love. Just ask 57-year-old Butch Patrick who played Eddie Munster on The Munsters. Butch is marrying his longtime fan Donna McCall. Donna first wrote Butch a fan letter back in 1964 and their pen pal relationship continued for a few years.
They eventually lost touch with each other until Donna, a retired pharmacist, e-mailed Butch a couple of years ago to say that she was thinking of him. Butch wrote her back and their love was born again! Butch just moved to West Chester, PA from Los Angeles to be with his new fiancee. Donna told MyFoxPhilly, “My first crush was Butch Patrick. I met him for the first time, but I feel like I’ve known him forever. It’s a great love story. We’re very happy together.“
This is just the battery I need to keep my delusional dream of marrying Mah Boo Anderson Cooper one day going strong. Yes, I’ll have to wait until all the silver on his head has turned to rust and he can’t giggle without coughing up a Metamucil-flavored moth ball, but it will happen!
Here’s a picture of Donna and Eddie Munster today.
And yes, that’s Eddie Munster and not his old doll Woof Woof.
Justin Bieber, you controversial 16 year old, you!
Protestors from the Westboro Baptist Church made their disdain for the Biebs known with their presence outside his Sprint Center concert in Kansas City, MO, and many parents made their disdain for the protestors known as well.
An angry mother screamed the following at the protestors:
“You’re a shame that you think you can walk around this god-forsaken country and treat people that way.”
Another angry mother, Amber Heavner, lashed out and said the following:
“He has not done anything wrong. He’s here to entertain the public, I guess just like she’s here to entertain the public. He has not done anything wrong. These are children …these are children… my children can read, my children can see, my children can see that she’s got signs that say ‘God hates America!’”
Wow Biebs, you really got this Church group angry. What satanistic things are you doing at your concerts? Is there something we should know about?
[Image via WENN.]
Sources are telling us that you are being inundated with fan mail while you sit locked away in Lynwood prison. Rather than waste the stamp, we thought we’d just write to you from here.
What’s that? You don’t know what we are talking about?
Oh, well, the staff in the mailroom at your prison has been besieged with love letters, ransom notes and Valuepak coupons all addressed to one Lindsay Lohan. They are from your fans. Didn’t you know you had any of those, did you? The prison folk say that they’ve been roughly getting around 250 letters a day for you.
Can you feel the love?
What’s that now? You haven’t gotten any of this mail?
No, you wouldn’t. Not yet anyway. The prison only allows it’s occupants 10 letters at a time. But no worries, when you are released from the clink and moved to your seaside rehab facility, they’ll hand over the bushels of envelopes to you and you can delve into what is sure to be a fountain of literary poetry.
We hope you’ll share some of the gems with us via Twitter. We’re looking forward to it.
Hugs and Kisses and Cocaine, Perez
P.S. – If there is white powder in any of the envelopes, don’t inhale! It might not be what you think!
[Image via WENN.]